On New Year’s day of this year I moved from Kansas to a small town in Georgia to sort out some financial issues. I’m happy to say that I have done that and will be moving back to Kansas in August! I currently work security for the same food ministry that my mother works for.
It seems like my life has been one big change after another recently. I would say that the biggest would be leaving my friends to move to Georgia to get back on my feet. It’s been an adjustment on many different levels, including moving in with my mom and stepfather and getting used to living in a tiny town.
I don’t think that my goals and aspirations have changed that much. I still hope to have a successful acting career someday, but recently it’s taken a back seat to supporting myself. I’m always on the lookout for new roles or hosting jobs though. When you love something as much as I love acting, you always try to make time for it, so when I move back to Kansas I plan to get an agent, redo my head shots, and hit it full force. For years I’ve had a lifetime to-do list that contains everything from sky diving to starring in a major motion picture. I’m working on checking each one off as I can.
I think one of the greatest things about being part of High School Confidential for me was coming to realize that all of the girls had things in common. After seeing each other’s episodes, we were no longer so focused on our differences; instead, we realized what we all had in common. I continue to keep in touch with a lot of the girls via Facebook. We’ll write each other once in a while to check in or to support each other. I think that I keep in touch with Kate the most. We really bonded in New York while doing press for the show.
While I was in high school, it seemed like not many people knew about the show, so at the time it didn’t affect my experience there much. After high school it gave me a chance to look back and reflect on my school experience on a much deeper level and made me realize how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go to be where I want to be.
My high school years were the hardest for me, so I can honestly say I’m glad they’re in the past. They taught me a lot about who I am, but I wouldn’t want to relive them! Your high school years have the potential to be the most trying and the most memorable of your life. If I could give advice to anyone starting or in high school it would be to never lose sight of who you are or be overwhelmed by things you can’t control. Be yourself, and if others don’t accept you for it they’re the ones missing out. As long as you do the best you can at staying true to yourself, you’ll have no regrets no matter how many mistakes you make. Learn from your past, live in the present and plan for your future. Everyone has things that they would do differently in life, but it’s the lessons we learn from our mistakes that help us to become who we are. Strength is not measured by lack of tears; it’s measured in the power you have to overcome any situation.
After my episode aired it was a bit of a surreal experience. I was working security at a department store. I would dress in plain clothing and walk the floor looking for shoplifters. No one that I worked with at the time knew anything about High School Confidential until an issue of TV Guide hit the checkouts with our pictures on the back cover. Then anyone who saw it would tell me how much I looked like the girl on the back cover of TV Guide! I was recognized a few times and most of the people who would approach me were very nice and had nothing but positive things to say. It never bothered me when someone recognized or approached me. I just wish that more people would realize that I was honest about my depression and pregnancy so I could help other girls who were going through the same thing, not because I wanted to be a bad influence on kids. I also realize that in putting myself out there I left myself open to be judged, but no matter how many hurtful things some people have said, I don’t have any regrets.
If I could change anything about my High School Confidential experience, it would be that I probably wouldn’t have said “orgy” on TV. A lot of people misunderstood what I said and thought that I had participated in an orgy. I can honestly say that I would never do that. But other than that I wouldn’t change a thing.
Right now I’m just wrapping things up in Georgia and I’m looking forward to moving back to Kansas. When I’m settled in Kansas, I hope to start working at a sports bar as well as finding an agent and really starting to focus on my acting career again. In September of 2008, I had the incredible opportunity to go on AMC’s Breaking Bad. I’ve been a fan of the show since the pilot, and I had a blast on-set. The cast and crew could not have been nicer. I had an awesome time with Bryan Cranston, who is by far the most talented actor I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. Since moving to Georgia I haven’t had much time to focus on acting, so I’m looking forward to getting back into it when I return to Kansas.
On another topic, I’m happy to report that although it’s been a rocky road, my stepsister Lauren and I are best friends now. It may have taken our parents’ getting divorced for us to come together. It’s surprising, considering how different we were as kids and how much we fought. She’s coming down to Georgia for the Fourth of July, and I can’t wait to see her.
Overcoming depression wasn’t easy. I was at such a dark point in my life that for a long time I thought the only way out was suicide, and if left alone in a room I could have found any number of ways to make it happen. Ending it was all that I could think about. I tried so hard to hide it from my friends and family because I didn’t want anyone to prevent me from taking my own life. Then my mom walked in on my suicide attempt and took me to an outpatient mental-health facility, but I didn’t feel that it had helped any. I had to find my own reasons for wanting to live, like my family and friends. Slowly, I began to let go of things I couldn’t control, and by doing that I began to see the beauty in life again. I was on medication and I started to work my way off of it. I’ll be honest; sometimes I fall back into depression when things in life get stressful, but now I recognize when it begins to happen and I take the steps to prevent it from getting any worse. A lot of times I’ll just take some time out for myself. By recognizing the signs of depression I’ve prevented any major relapses. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts since my freshman year of high school. I urge anyone who’s thinking about suicide to get help. The best thing that could have ever happened to me was my mom walking in on me and recognizing that something was seriously wrong.
Even though my pregnancy was unplanned, I felt a huge feeling of loss. In the beginning it was really hard for me. I would look at some of my friends who were pregnant or had kids and be resentful. I watched one of my best friends drink, smoke and do drugs during her pregnancy and I was mad. I did everything by the book: I never drank, smoked or did drugs and I lost my child. I was mad at God because I did everything that I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy and here my friend didn’t seem to care and her child survived and mine did not. As time goes on the pain becomes less and less, but I still struggle with the resentment and feeling of loss. Every year on what was my due date I light a special candle and say a prayer that lasts the amount of minutes that would have been her age. This year I lit the candle for four minutes because she would have been four years old. Time has a way of healing old wounds, and as the years go by I know it will continue to get easier. But that deep feeling of loss is something I’ll never forget.
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