Whether you're confronted with autism or cerebral palsy, dyslexia or ADHD, as the parent of a special-needs child you cope with a set of challenges other parents do not know. The daily demands can tax everything from your finances to your own health. But no matter where you are in the process—seeking a diagnosis or five years down the line—you can find sanity amid the stresses, and even rewards you might never have imagined. Here, what to expect, and how to handle it.

Getting to a Diagnosis

It took Ann Douglas, mother of four and author of The Mother of All Parenting Books, 10 long years to secure a label for her son. “I felt I was swimming in an ocean all by myself,” she says—isolated, frustrated, and afraid. The diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome made all the difference. Not only was she able to move her son into a supportive school setting, but she and her husband now take parenting classes to better cope with the particulars of Asperger’s. Douglas urges parents not to resist getting the right label. “Yes, it’s painful to think your child is unusual,” she says, but “if you have any suspicions, or if family members raise issues, pay attention!” As her experience shows, the sooner you get an assessment, the better.

Emotional Impact

Grief is an ongoing part of the process, explains Amy Baskin, mother of a teen with autism and coauthor of More Than a Mom. Expect it to hit not just initially, when you realize your child is unlike others, but at life transitions your child can’t partake in—getting a driver’s license, say. Allow the feelings to happen, and they will pass.

Depression is also common; it occurs in “up to 50 percent of mothers of special needs kids,” says Douglas. Untreated, it can be debilitating, and can even lead to serious health problems like ulcers and chronic fatigue. It impacts not just you, but your whole family. If you see yourself sinking, get professional help.

Anger is likely, whether it’s sparked by an ill-equipped school system, a tight-fisted insurance company, or your child herself. Douglas coped by “talking through a lot of frustration.” That helped, as did becoming a fierce advocate for her son. Anger funneled into advocacy is about as productive as it gets. Just take care, says Baskin, to choose your battles: “If advocacy is burning you out, you won’t have energy left for your child.”

If you’re plagued by guilt, you’re not alone. “There are always more things you ‘should’ be doing for your child,” says Baskin. “Just today I have a list of 10!” Indeed, your child’s condition can be all-consuming. If he has multiple disabilities, you may feel guilty for taking any breaks at all. At a certain point, says Basking, it’s about knowing “it’s okay to be good enough. You can’t do it all.”

Time Crunch

At first, says Baskin, there’s a huge push to do everything. The promise of early intervention propels parents to tackle a child’s condition from all angles. A year postdiagnosis, Douglas admits to a life “out of balance.” What with learning all about Asberger’s and researching the right care for her son, her own work has nowhere to go but on the back burner.

Once you understand that “this is forever,” says Baskin, “you start to pace yourself.” Giving yourself permission to enjoy life is one thing; finding the time to do so is quite another. The trick, explains Baskin, is sneaking time in. Can you walk around the parking lot while your child is at an appointment? Sing along to a favorite CD while driving him to therapy? Start a list of everything you enjoy or once enjoyed. Post it on the fridge. Do one a day, a week, a month—any small pleasure you can sneak in.

Connecting With Others

There’s no greater sanity-saver than a community of parents like you. Not only do they know exactly what you’re going through, but, says Baskin, fellow parents are often the best sources of information about services and caregivers in your area. Search online for the national associations related to your child’s condition; most link to community groups. You can always join a special needs community online, of course, and if your child has a rare disorder, that may be your only recourse. Still, you’d do best to seek out a group locally. None nearby? Then start one up.

When hunting down groups, don’t forget about your kids—the ones without special needs. Just as you require parent peers, so your children will relish socializing with other special needs siblings. Sipshops are a great place to start.

Unexpected Gifts

For all the trials of raising a special needs child, the rewards are great. Of the 500 parents, mostly moms, whom Baskin surveyed for her book, nearly all felt their lives had been changed in positive ways. “They learned what really matters,” says Baskin. Or rather, they stopped sweating the small stuff. “They met incredible people” and found belonging in enviably tight-knit communities. Many also spoke of the incomparable bond they felt with their special needs children. Still others had developed careers that stemmed from their experiences. They, and those who volunteered, had the satisfaction that comes with giving back. “You know you’ve gotten through,” explains Baskin. “You can help someone else, and that feels good.” More than just feel good, in fact, “it gives your life meaning.”