Being a confused parent

Hello All,
I have been active in the transgender community where I live for over 4 years and have known other transsexuals for probably 8 years. While I understand that coming to terms with something like this must be shocking and diffucult for a parent/family member/friend/coworker, I can assure you that the person in your life has come to you looking for acceptance and someone to confide in. This is not a decision on their part, they were born this way. The inner conflict they feel is overwhelming. The very best thing you can do is find a therapist who SPECIALIZES IN TRANSGENDERS!! Don't just go to anyone, some may have absolutely no experience and only offer personal opinions without any training or experience. You will need to search a little. Learn how to accept the special person in your life who has come to you with this secret about themselves that they simply cannot live with. They need your acceptance. Also, talk to this person in your life. Ask him/her questions. Learn. And try. Do research. If you don't do these things, you're only hurting yourself in the long run.

The biggest thing to remember, in my opinion, is that these transgendered individuals are going to have a heck of a difficult time living in the body they are currently in. There is no "cure". To expect these people to "change their minds" is completely unreasonable. They need to transition. The earlier the better. Don't get hung up on body parts and pronouns or their past selves. Just be there for them and do all you can to help them adjust, transition, and make a new life for themselves. You will undoubtedly obtain a much tighter and rewarding bond with this person if you do this. If you fixate on the gender they were born as, you risk losing them altogether. They are the angels in your life, don't push them away or make them feel guilty for who they are and for being honest about it with you. It's easy to accept them, but you have to WANT to make this adjustment. Learn their new name, refer to them as the gender they are transitioning to, and when speaking of the past, refer to them as they are now. Don't refer to them one way for their past and another way for the present. They have always been this person.

Last, if you are in the unique position to help them from start to finish with their transition, and the time has come to pick a doctor.....RESEARCH THIS!! Don't just go to a sex change doctor because the city they practice out of is well known for sex changes. Don't go to that doctor because she is a transsexual herself. Don't go there simply because you saw the doctor on television. I can assure you that beyond a shadow of a doubt, there are surgeons out there who are much more adept at their profession. Gynecologists cannot simply become plastic surgeons overnight. Sometimes, for every patient that is happy with his/her results, there are ten more out there who got extremely disappointing results. Go to transgender conferences. Meet other doctors and talk to patients who are post-op. It is WELL WORTH THE EFFORT. And don't just go to the cheapest option out there, either. Research the techniques used, the aftercare given, and everything else you can get your hands on. Follow up care is a must also.

Again, I have been directly involved in the transgender community and very close with many, many transsexuals for the last four years. I have more experience than you can imagine with research, talking to these people, talking to doctors, you name it. I know what I'm talking about. Do your homework. Most of all, please know that after knowing countless numbers of these people, I can say with the bottom of my heart that transgendered individuals are the angels of the earth. I hope I have been of some help.

Anonymous Friend to All

confused mom you ask Did I even show my family clues? the answer is no i had not shown them clues. i had also dated girls in the past just realizing that girls had treated me like crap and i was the world to them didnt help it much either. i had come to terms with this feeling since i had been bisexual also but now its where i feel that more of my body emotions and all are not who i should be and i should be female. as i mentioned i had told my mom and her reactions where sort of the same the first thing she said after telling her was am i GAY! i told her honestly i was neither straight nor gay and i was in the wrong body as well she gave me a look of silent and hasnt spoke of it since. i myself have gone now to seek a professionals help and sit down and chat and see where things lead up too bec if i am still feeling like this the doctor will help guide me in the right direction as well as include info to submit to my parents and help them come to terms easier.

This is to Confused 25 and I see you told your mom. If she is anything like me she probably cried and thought wow, when do I wake up at least that is how I felt. My son has NEVER had a girl side to him. He fell into this group about 3 years ago and feel in love with a girl, yes a girl. We'll about three months ago she told him she was attracted to his best friend which is a girl and she likes girls more. My first thought was he is doing this for her and I am going to hate her the rest of my life. He then told me he wants to still be a girl and I still cry. I just had a friend that sons killed a man and I think wow I have it bad. I have been a single mom and raised him inside out and NEVER imagined the conversation we had three weeks ago. It blew my mind. I have to admit that I still cry everyday cause I am confused. I got mad at him yesterday cause I came home and he had MY jeans on and I cried even more. I know I would never turn him away cause he is my life. When there are NO warning signs and he has dated a girl and wanted to marry her just months ago. It is hard for me to beleive is this what he really wants or because she wants GIRLS. He will turn into one for her. He still says no and I still cry. So to help you. If your mom is like me. I will love my son to the moon and back but my family will freak out cause they are Italian big men and would never even expect this from our upbringing being Catholic. We live far away at the moment cause I took a job and raised him alone here. I just don't know what is killing me more the fact that I raised a beautiful baby boy or what my family will say to me. He says I should love him no matter what but that is my baby boy. A mother's heart has just been ripped away. That is how I feel, but deep down I love him more then anything in this world and I would even die for him. I just never, never even had a clue. Did you even show your family clues. Cause he has been ALL BOY till his girlfriend told him she wanted to see women. I am sorry I blame her!!
Thanks for listening,

Again I love my son and once the shock wears off, we will go from there. I just know I cry everytime I think of it, but I do know I love him.

Curious mommy

Here is an excellent resource for Trans Youth and Parents.
http://www.imatyfa.org/