there was once a 9 year old boy

I say that because from 9 to 10 I went through a lot of changes on the inside. Maybe deep inside I was always like a girl before 10. I never liked doing boy things. This goes way beyond just liking guys. Other than some male features I don't have a masculine bone in my body. When I was 11, 12, 13 I started to be more and more attracted to guys . Guys that were like much older. Dealing with that and my fem side was a lot to handle. Also I have struggled with my looks. I never felt attractive. Nobody or guys in my life have ever made me feel attractive. When wearing make-up which started at 18, I knew I wasn't like real pretty. I have seen some guys wearing make-up full drag that were beautiful. And I have met a few transgenders that were beautiful. Then I think about women who struggle with their looks and still wear make-up.

Since I can never have the surgery done I decided not to do full cross dressing like I did from ages 18-22. I do like hats and vest. I basicly have my own style on how I dress. Before you ask no Boy George wasn't an idol at the time of his huge success. I started to like him more when I was like 16 or so. My idols were like Madonna, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Martika, etc.

I am a spiritual person. A lot of times I can pray and you won't even know. You don't have to pray out loud. Despite what these churches say they don't know what a person truly feels on the inside. I truly feel like a woman on the inside.

I have had my up and downs with guys through the years. The worst is when I liked a few straight guys but I'm only human. Or when I was friends with a guy I really liked and knowing there was no chance what so ever. I have been in 3 relationships. The most intense one was with Doug. Deep down I feel that I will never have a special person in my life. There's a lot of challenges in my life and the fact that I wear makeup.