They say you’re only as happy as your least happy child. And since Melissa is my only child– well, the only one my publicist lets me talk about–you can probably guess that it’s been tough for both of us ever since Melissa’s break-up with Jason. Giving the Devil his due, Jason did help out a lot with Cooper. So now it’s my turn to step up. Starting today I’ve decided that I’ll be Cooper’s driver, tutor, and short-order cook. In other words, I’m my own grandchild’s personal assistant. But that’s not all I’ll be doing to help out my daughter. I’ve decided that what Melissa needs is to start dating again — so I’m going to find her a guy. This will come as a surprise to Melissa at first, and she could potentially die of embarrassment, but better that than she should die alone. Truth is, I’ve got just tons of ideas on how Melissa should be running her life, and if I can just trick her into thinking they were her ideas I’ll be in business. I never realized how much fun it could be to help out other people like this!