The influence of birth order on a child’s character has long fascinated social scientists and parents alike. Though studies have often proved inconclusive, many parenting experts cite recognizable traits and patterns associated with a child’s position in the family hierarchy. Countless factors undeniably go into the making of a personality—everything from genes to gender to health issues. Nevertheless, recognizing the behaviors shaped by birth order can help you better understand your child and avoid common parenting pitfalls. Here’s how:

FIRST CHILD

Consider the world the eldest child is born into: Mom and Dad are first-timers, with all the anxiety and excitement that entails. Every milestone is breathlessly awaited (if not coaxed along) and loudly heralded (if not captured on film). This is both blessing and curse: First-borns have the security and skill sets that come of undivided parental attention, but also an immense pressure to succeed. They’re traditionally perfectionist and rule-bound, even fearful.

On the plus side—and there’s a plus side to every birth order position, points out family therapist and Birth Order Blues author Meri Wallace—first-borns are usually high-achievers with strong leadership skills.

What Parents Can Do

• Ease up on your expectations. If your first-born gets a 99 percent on a math quiz, says Wallace, don’t ask her what happened to that other 1 percent.

• Don’t burden her with extra responsibility for her siblings or expect her to “set a good example.” She’s entitled to a childhood too!

• The birth of the second child can be a major displacement for the eldest. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, says Wallace. Explain that the baby needs extra help right now—“just like you did when you were born.”

MIDDLE CHILD

The kid in the middle can easily get lost in the shuffle. “He might as well be named Just a Minute,” says Ann Douglas, mother of four and author of The Mother of All Parenting Books. “Just a minute while I change the baby’s diaper. Just a minute while I drive your sister to ballet...” What’s left for him to do but hurl a bowl of Cheerios across the room? And later, when he’s a teen still lacking for attention, to dye his hair fuchsia?

No surprise then that second-borns often become artists or rebels. More laidback than first-borns, they can also be skilled peacemakers and negotiators.

What Parents Can Do

• Every child deserves one-on-ones with Mom and Dad, but make extra effort to give your middle child individual play-dates.

• It’s common for middles to lack a clear sense of identity, says Wallace. Help your child find areas of interest, enrolling him in a drawing class, if he likes art, for instance. And celebrate his achievements, even if they seem to pale in comparison to your first-born’s ten spelling bee trophies!

YOUNGEST CHILD

By the time the youngest is born, Mom and Dad have probably adopted a laissez-faire approach to everything from potty-training to dating. With more than one child to tend to, they’ve also got less time to spare. This puts the youngest in a relatively low-pressure position. On the upside, she’s free to take risks and explore her creativity; on the downside, she may have low expectations of herself, even a sense of inadequacy.
The doted-on last-borns can be seen as spoiled and manipulative—managing to wrap people around their little finger. Framed in a positive light, of course, this can operate as charm and social savvy.

What Parents Can Do

• Parents need to take care, says Wallace, not to foster dependency by doing for the youngest what she could do for herself. Instead of teaching her how to brush her teeth, as was taught so painstakingly to the first-born, a harried parent may simply brush her teeth for her. This is a no-no.

• Give your youngest the chance to be the leader, allowing her choose the DVD the family watches on movie night, say. On the other hand, don’t let her play the “baby card” to get whatever she wants. Make sure she has responsibilities like everyone else in the family.

It’s best to think of birth order as “just another tool in your parenting toolkit,” says Douglas. After all, wherever you child falls in the family hierarchy, what’s most important is that you accept her for exactly who she is.

ONLY CHILD

Selfish. Bratty. Bossy. Socially inept… The stereotypes about only children are overridingly negative—and for the most part unfair. Most only’s grow up no less well-adjusted than their peers. They benefit from cultural and travel opportunities unavailable in bigger families. And solitude can teach healthy self-sufficiency.

Nevertheless, only’s do face distinct challenges. As with first-borns, the intense parental scrutiny may foster precociousness and strong language skils, but also perfectionism and even praise-addiction. Unexposed to the competition and compromise of sibling-hood, only’s take longer to learn to play well with others. And if over-indulged, they grow up believing the world revolves around them.

What Parents Can Do

• Yes, your child is special, but don’t let him become the sole focus of your life. Develop other interests to balance the attention you pay him.
• Lay off on the perfectiontism. Teach your child to laugh in the face of mistakes. Let him see you messing up every once in a while.
• Create social opportunities for him, whether it’s a neighborhood playgroup or church activities. Out-of-home child care is especially beneficial for only’s.

Whether you’re the parent of one or four, it’s best to think of birth order as “just another tool in your parenting toolkit,” says Douglas. After all, wherever you child falls in the family hierarchy, what’s most important is that you accept him for exactly who he is.