How to help your children cope when you have a new love interest in your life.

Getting back into the dating game after the dissolution of a marriage can be almost as stressful and confusing as the divorce itself. Having children makes the playing field that much more complicated. As a single mom, your romantic relationships don’t just involve you and the object of your affection…your kids become part of the equation as well. Here’s how to make the adjustment as smooth as possible.

Give yourself plenty of time. Remember, your children are probably as traumatized as you are about the divorce, so the whole family needs time to heal before you bring a new man home. “There needs to be a sense of normalcy before you start dating again,” advises Barry G. Ginsberg, PhD, director of the Center of Relationship Enhancement in Doylestown, Pennsylvania, and author of 50 Wonderful Ways to Be a Single Parent Family. “It generally takes about a year for the emotional trauma to dissipate. By the second year, everyone should have recovered enough.”

Don’t bring home every man you date. “As a rule, only introduce someone you’re serious about,” says Andrew Rothman, LCSW, clinical director of the Family Studies Program at NYU Child Study Center. That doesn’t mean you should be sneaky and date behind your children’s backs. You can tell them you’re seeing someone, but don’t bring him home until you’re in a real relationship with him.

Even if you are ready to introduce your new man to the family, your children may not be. “Include them in the process,” says Ginsberg. “Let them know you want to bring someone home and see how they feel about it. Ask them if they’re ready to meet him. If they’re not, then postpone the get-together.” The more you involve them and collaborate with them, the less alienated they’ll feel.

Be honest with your kids. When your children ask you questions, be up-front and truthful…just don’t give them TMI  (too much information). “Only tell them what they need to know,” notes Rothman. “Remember, your children are not your confidantes.” So if you’re having dinner with your new male friend, just don’t get into how much you like him or how you hope things between the two of you work out.

Don’t try to force your kids’ feelings. You can’t make your children like your new man or make them happy about the new situation. “Forcing that relationship rarely works,” says Rothman. “Don’t push for too much together time, and give them space for their own feelings.” Letting them know that you realize they may not feel the same way about your new love interest as you do, and giving them the opportunity to express those feelings, will help alleviate some of the tension and may also ease the resentment they feel toward your new man.

While you can’t demand that your children like your new guy, you can demand that they’re civil to him. “Giving your kids the freedom to express themselves doesn’t mean that they can be disrespectful,” says Rothman. “Don’t try to overcompensate by letting them get away with unacceptable behavior. Try to maintain a sense of stability and consistency.”

Make sure your kids know they come first. Starting a new romance can be exhilarating, and it’s easy to want to be with your man as often as possible. But you need to make an extra effort to spend lots of quality time with your children, even at the expense of your new relationship. “Make sure your boyfriend doesn’t take you away from your kids,” says Rothman. “You might try to see him during those times when your children are with their father or are involved in extracurricular activities, especially in the beginning.”

And if despite your best efforts your kids absolutely don’t accept the new guy in your life? “Try to get your children to explain what the problem is,” says Rothman. “They might have a valid argument for their displeasure.” But if they’re just opposed to the idea of their mom dating, no matter who the man is, they might just need more time to adjust. “Take it slow and go at their pace,” advises Ginsberg. “Your children have to be your priority.”