Adolescence: when your sweet, lovable darling seemingly metamorphoses into a moody, reclusive rebel overnight. Yes, the changes your kid goes through can put a strain on even the tightest mother/child bond. But, with a little understanding and guidance, you can both survive — and possibly thrive — through this challenging time.

 

Understand Why Your Kid’s Behaving So Badly

 

Not to give your child a free pass, but teens aren’t totally responsible for their actions. They’re going through a lot of internal chaos.

 

"Due to cognitive changes, they’re becoming more aware of their own thoughts and ideas, which causes them to become more argumentative," explains Alexandra de George, PsyD, clinical psychologist at NYU’s Child Study Center.

 

Then there are the raging hormones, which can account for some of their alien-like behavior. "Hormonal changes, combined with lack of sleep, which most teens suffer from, can cause them to become very moody and temperamental," says de George.

 

Besides the physical stresses, their social lives are becoming more important. "Clique development and peer pressure play a very important role in the lives of 13- to 18-year-olds," notes de George.

 

Learn to give and take: It’s a tricky balancing act — loosening the leash while still setting rules and limitations. "Teens want independence and autonomy, so give it to them…within reason," advises de George. "It’s kind of like a dance. For example, let them go out at night but set a curfew that you’re comfortable with."

 

Since they’re straddling the fence between childhood and adulthood, let your teens dictate how you treat them by their actions. "Reward good behavior by giving them more leniency," says de George. "As long as you don’t go against your values, positive reinforcement can help build trust between the two of you."

 

Encourage Open Dialogue

 

Teenagers typically want more privacy. Grilling them will likely result in terse, monosyllabic responses, and you want to avoid spying. So, try to engage them in conversation to get the info you need.

 

"Don’t make a big deal about having ‘a talk,’ " says de George. "Instead, create situations where the conversation can flow naturally. Do stuff together that you both enjoy, especially if you have an activity that you’ve always bonded over."

 

You can also be more clued in to their lives by supervising their tech time. "Monitor their online access by keeping the computer in a public area," suggests de George. "Periodically ask them to show you what they’re logged on to, and restrict how much time they’re allowed to be online or on the phone."

 

Choose Your Battles

 

There are going to be issues you don’t agree on, so let the minor problems go and deal with what’s most important to you. "For example, maybe you can let their sleeping late on weekends slide, but put your foot down about making sure homework gets done," says de George.

 

When you do confront your kid, "pick a time when you’re both calm and talk about your concerns rather than attacking your child," advises de George. Say something like, "I’m really worried about your grades slipping," instead of "You’re really screwing up lately and it has to stop!"

 

Also, be sure to give them a chance to respond. "Ask them to tell you how they’re feeling and listen to what they have to say. You’ll get a more positive reaction if you make them feel validated."

 

Know the Warning Signs

 

There’s a difference between typical teenage acting out and behavior that indicates something is seriously wrong. "Some red flags include breaking lots of rules, suddenly getting into trouble at school, plummeting grades, extreme moodiness or anxiety, dramatic changes in appetite or sleeping habits," notes de George. "Basically, trust your instinct. You know what’s normal for your kid and what’s not."

 

If you do have concerns, try to talk about them, but don’t expect an instant solution. "It will probably take several attempts to get to the issue," says de George. "Also, think about what you want to say before you get into any discussions." And try to withhold judgment. You want your child to know that you’re both on the same team, and you can work on any problems together.