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What’s on Joan Rivers Holiday Wish List?

Here’s my philosophy on gifts:  it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the gift that counts.  So keep your thoughts to yourself and come across with the goods.

Please don’t get me practical things I’d just buy for myself anyway, like breath mints or M & M’s or boxes of ammo.  Get me something fun!

Always unwrap gifts very carefully, as this will save you lots of time and trouble when you re-wrap them to give to someone else.  And when you’re re-gifting, watch out for things like monograms and personal notes inside.

I’ve learned over the years that good things come in small packages.  Actually, I learned that from my late husband Edgar.  Oh, grow up.

What would I like for Christmas this year?  First of all, obviously, I wish for health, happiness and peace on earth– you know, all the usual stuff.

Followed quickly by two weeks on somebody’s nice big yacht.  (And if we’re talking yachts here forget what I said about small packages.)

Another great gift would be if an interior designer said to me, “I’m going to re-decorate your home for no charge.”  Or a florist offered me a year’s worth of free floral designs.  By the way, that’s what the expensive places call flowers now—“floral designs.”

I love Faberge eggs, Faberge jewelry– anything that says Faberge on it works for me.  That includes Faberge beer hats, Faberge rubber hip waders and Faberge bowling shoes.

Another great gift would be for someone to take down all of the Christmas decorations after Christmas.  There’s nothing tackier than a house that’s still decked out in all the holiday stuff in January.  When I drive past a house like that after the holidays I want to pull over, knock on their door, and say, “Can I get you folks something, like maybe a calendar?”

I love the holiday season in general.  Everybody is so nice during the holidays.  There are fewer drive-by shootings in LA during the holidays, although that could just be people trying to beat the holiday traffic.

I love that cities decorate themselves for the holidays.  I’ve spent Christmas in St. Petersburg, Paris, London, and every one of them was amazing.

This would be a better, prettier world if Christmas was always planned by Jews and weddings were always planned by gay guys.