This was definitely one of the most memorable days of my entire life! We had this great couple, Liz and Jason, come in for a cemetery wedding. And what better way to solidify your love then to get it eternally tattooed on your arm! So I took Liz and Jason to the best tattoo parlor in New Orleans, Electric Ladyland. As they were picking out their tatts, they started asking me what I was going to get. What am I going to get? Oh no, see Maria doesn’t swing that way. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there is not a conservative bone in my body! It’s just that, I’ve always been more of a piercings kind of girl and the idea of a tattoo, of something permanently engraved on my precious, soft baby skin…well that’s always made me a little nervous. What can I say? I’ve always been a little afraid of commitment, and a tattoo – that’s the ULTIMATE commitment. I mean, you can’t divorce a tattoo. You can’t sign a pre-nup, keep separate bank accounts, and then divide the house and the kids and go your own ways. A tattoo is with you til the end, my friend. And did I mention that I’m deathly afraid of needles? I mean really scared. I mean I don’t know how heroine addicts do it, because I pass out with fear anytime someone comes within a 10 mile radius of me with a needle. No thank you, I’ll take my narcotics from a bottle in liquid form, thank you very much. Which reminds me, I’m a little thirsty…

Wait, where was I? Oh right! Tattoos! So, I kindly tried to back out of it, but Liz and Jason kept saying nothing would make them happier for their wedding than for me to get a tattoo. I needed to go clear my head, so I took a walk to the bar next door to have a conversation with an old trusted friend and therapist – Dr. Jack Daniels. The bartender had these beautiful sleeves and when I asked her who did the work she told me it was Henry at Electric Lady Land. Alright, now I’m warming up to this whole tattoo thing. I go back into the shop and find Henry waiting for me with a pencil and paper in hand and a twinkle in his eye. We work on a design. I decided to go with something that would commemorate my time with the chapel. So I chose a flaming heart with a cracked chapel bell, to me, the visual definition of romantic love. I decided to be brave and go through with it. Henry was a pro and my tattoo is absolutely beautiful. I’m totally in love with it. As a matter of fact, if I could marry it, I probably would! At first I admit I was a little nervous about my decision, but at the end of the day, I’m all about customer service and if it makes a great couple like Liz and Jason happy for me to get a tattoo, then who am I to deny them that? It’s my job after all!

Was that bayou woman for real?! I love her! She’s as country funky as it comes! Offering to help city mouse Mia out though… total mistake. I agreed to help Mia do the couple’s “save the date” photos, because she was SCARED of visiting the swamp. Lo and behold, she was right to be frightened! Some giant bayou bald Santa clause wouldn’t quit trying to get me to “sit on his lap.” So I just tried to be polite and get away ASAP but I can STILL feel his eyes staring me down! ugh.

At the reception, I was nervous as hell since I’ve never played Cajun or zydeco before, but I have to say HOW FUN WAS THAT! I barely even noticed a fight that happened. I’ve seen so many fights on the dance floor and I just wasn’t feeling it that day. I wanted to keep my high from a good performance so I turned my attention to a shot of whiskey instead. It was much more fulfilling than yet another jealous fight!

At the chapel, we had some street performers come in and honestly, they had such a quirky routine going on I was happy to take back seat. Their best man was killer though! I just wanted to have a cup of coffee with him and hear that little nerdy voice come out of that 9 foot monster all day long. Tell me a story mister! The wedding at my favorite bar… well … lets just say shots of Grand Marnier, miniscule will power and a hyenas decorum leads to bras on the ceiling, bitches being beat up behind the video poker machines and Mia, Maria and I drinking at the bar. I love my job!

I began to think that the staff, in particular Reverend Tony, was becoming suspicious of my behavior. He had caught me on several occasions sleeping on “the job”! I did not know what to do. I figured the only thing to do was come clean with the job I had on nights and weekends! But before I could actually get them all together to tell them, they tailed me one evening to Club LAX in Metairie. I had no idea that I was being followed.

I went into the club I usually do. I took my entire wardrobe with me to the dressing room to transform to Wendy. I did not have a whole lot of time before the show. My wife Arden was coming to the show to see me as she usually does.

As the show began and Princess Stephany announced Wendy G Kennedy, I walked to the stage and began my song. I looked to one table and realized that my co-workers Mia, Dana, Maria,and Mrs Lou Ann were all at a table cheering and applauding Wendy. I was a nervous wreck but in the essence of show business, the show must go on! I could not stop and run and hide. I thought, oh what the hell, this is me and this is what I like to do! I think I got the most tips ever that night and everyone had a good time. Reverend Tony could only stand to the side and shake his head! Reverend Tony must have assumed that I worked a second security gig, considering that I am head of security at the Wedding Chapel! What a surprise! I promised Reverend Tony to never fall asleep on the job again….ha ha ha!

After shifting my career from the cut-throat “World of Fashion” to the French Quarter Wedding Chapel, I wasn’t expecting people to go for my jugular anymore… but then Queen M of the vampires and Sheriff Steve showed up ready to tie the knot, and this time the threat felt LITERAL. Of course, using the term “people” would be stretching it a bit with this couple, as far as I’m concerned.

The Voodoo ceremony preceding their vows was amazing. I was even happy to have Maria there; she may be cold-blooded but for alternative bait she works just fine. In the end I got some beautiful pictures while covering up my neck just in case anybody got any ideas. After surviving this I’m thinking that things might not be so bad, but of course all hell breaks loose on the actual wedding day (or night, as it were in this case).

Maria was nowhere to be found, so I had to help Queen M get ready. This put me right within fangs reach of her, not to mention the scariest and weirdest bridal party I’ve ever seen. The maid of honor, Sue, is a vampire, and got hissy when Queen M started talking about giving the honors to witch-slave (WTH?!?!) Camille. There was also a girl who they called “Companion” and I have no clue what her role was apart from being quiet and cowering. I was happy to escape the room and leave them to their prep and drama.
Then things went from bad to worse: it seemed like EVERYBODY in the damned wedding had fangs. I felt like my translucent skin was a throbbing road map to the buffet for these bloodsuckers. I had worn my cross as protection but Queen M snidely remarked it as being “a cute touch”, and it became clear that my knowledge of vampire deterring needed some updating.

In the end I found out that the term “Companion” refers pretty much to the vampire equivalent of a lunch-box, and I couldn’t get out of the mansion soon enough. I wish Queen M and Sheriff Steve the eternal happiness they deserve, but hope I never have to cross paths with them again.