This was definitely one of the most memorable days of my entire life! We had this great couple, Liz and Jason, come in for a cemetery wedding. And what better way to solidify your love then to get it eternally tattooed on your arm! So I took Liz and Jason to the best tattoo parlor in New Orleans, Electric Ladyland. As they were picking out their tatts, they started asking me what I was going to get. What am I going to get? Oh no, see Maria doesn’t swing that way. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there is not a conservative bone in my body! It’s just that, I’ve always been more of a piercings kind of girl and the idea of a tattoo, of something permanently engraved on my precious, soft baby skin…well that’s always made me a little nervous. What can I say? I’ve always been a little afraid of commitment, and a tattoo – that’s the ULTIMATE commitment. I mean, you can’t divorce a tattoo. You can’t sign a pre-nup, keep separate bank accounts, and then divide the house and the kids and go your own ways. A tattoo is with you til the end, my friend. And did I mention that I’m deathly afraid of needles? I mean really scared. I mean I don’t know how heroine addicts do it, because I pass out with fear anytime someone comes within a 10 mile radius of me with a needle. No thank you, I’ll take my narcotics from a bottle in liquid form, thank you very much. Which reminds me, I’m a little thirsty…

Wait, where was I? Oh right! Tattoos! So, I kindly tried to back out of it, but Liz and Jason kept saying nothing would make them happier for their wedding than for me to get a tattoo. I needed to go clear my head, so I took a walk to the bar next door to have a conversation with an old trusted friend and therapist – Dr. Jack Daniels. The bartender had these beautiful sleeves and when I asked her who did the work she told me it was Henry at Electric Lady Land. Alright, now I’m warming up to this whole tattoo thing. I go back into the shop and find Henry waiting for me with a pencil and paper in hand and a twinkle in his eye. We work on a design. I decided to go with something that would commemorate my time with the chapel. So I chose a flaming heart with a cracked chapel bell, to me, the visual definition of romantic love. I decided to be brave and go through with it. Henry was a pro and my tattoo is absolutely beautiful. I’m totally in love with it. As a matter of fact, if I could marry it, I probably would! At first I admit I was a little nervous about my decision, but at the end of the day, I’m all about customer service and if it makes a great couple like Liz and Jason happy for me to get a tattoo, then who am I to deny them that? It’s my job after all!

Alright people, let’s just get straight into this one, we’ve got a lot to cover. So…Lou Ann and Tony had us take a couple (of kids), Nick and Chassidy, to a bar to see Dana’s band perform to see if they would like her to play at their wedding. I was surprised to see that our happy couple had also brought along their Maid of Honor, a lovely young woman named Angel. I was even MORE surprised (or surprised-er, as Gino would say) to find out that Angel had been with Nick before Nick and Chassidy got together (are you with me so far?); and, Angel actually had a child fathered by Nick (Jerry Springer eat your heart out)! Nick had started dating Chassidy at about the same time Angel was pregnant with his baby. Angel now hates Nick’s guts but is BFF’s with Chassidy. But wait – there’s more! When I took the girls aside to have a chat and figure out what was going on, Chassidy confided in me that she’s heard rumors of Nick cheating. To make matters worse, Chassidy might be pregnant with Nick’s kid. Another sad case of babies having babies.

I was really shocked because nothing ever shocks me. I felt sorry for this girl who’s trapped in a bad situation, but I also wanted to shake the shi* out of her and say “Wake up! Marrying this guy is like signing your own death warrant.” But I didn’t. I kept my cool and tried to give her some big sisterly advice. In the end, I know we’re not supposed to interfere when a wedding doesn’t look like it’s going to have a happy ending, but that’s just not who I am. So I gently told her in my most professional language what I honestly thought – that she needs to kick him to the curb and find herself a hero instead of her current zero. Chassidy told me she would think about it. What can I say? Youth is wasted on the young!

After the loss of our photographer, Barbara, Lou Ann and Tony decided it was time for a replacement. Their only mistake – not consulting me before the big hire, which, led to Mia Goff. Lou Ann thought it would be a great idea for us to meet Miss Mia at a bar before we started working together (a day late and a dollar short Lou Lou). When Mia walked into the bar I just remember being blinded by this shocking white light. When my eyes finally adjusted, I realized it was the dye job on her hair. The wardrobe that followed the hair was not much better.

My instincts could tell that this was not going to work out. But knowing Lou Ann as well as I do, I know that once she makes up her mind, there is no going back. So, against my better judgment, I decide to give Mia a chance and I started asking her some honest questions about her experience as a photographer. She became a little defensive; apparently, she’s allergic to hard questions. What I gathered is that she wouldn’t be able to tell those big led balloons she has wrapped around her neck from a camera lens. Oh well, no use in crying over spilled peroxide, I have weddings to plan!