Women Behind Bars Tuesdays at 10p|9c

Jessica Gentry


My daily life within these razor wires is monotonous -- the same food, the same people, the same thing on TV. The same routine day in and day out. Nothing changes, ever. For someone who’s never been here it would be hard to understand. Daily, we are degraded and dehumanized by everyone from the correctional officers, to the ranking officials, to the wardens. Even our peers around us abuse us because of their own non-existent self esteem. We have become nothing but a number to the state and job security to a society that is falling apart. There is nothing for us to do that will help us reform our ways of thinking positively. It becomes a safe haven to many because the only difference from this life and the one they led out on the streets is the lack of responsibility. They’re used to the abuse. Many, like myself, grew up never trusting and believing we’d never amount to anything. We were worthless and useless. That’s what our societies taught us and still teaches us. We made mistakes in life and we pay daily for those mistakes. Heaven forbid we’re only human. We’re not allowed the luxury of being human though. We’ve been tossed away; locked up and forgotten. I can’t attend GED classes because I graduated high school before I came to prison. I can’t attend college because I have no way of paying for it. The despair becomes great around this place and at times I wish that for my mistake, I would have received the death penalty. It would be better than this. Could the state of Texas really believe that they received justice? There are positive moments though. Some of us are lucky enough to develop close friends who help us find our self worth, who help us learn what trust is all about. Mail call is the most anticipated time of the day. Sad to say, for some of us, it’s the loneliest time. I miss a soft bed, working for money, going shopping, cooking real food and my family. Most of all because there’s no love here that’s unconditional. And I regret not sharing more of me with them when I was out there. My trust had been shattered from the beginning of my life. If I could leave for one day I’d just sit in a quiet place and find my peace of mind. There is no solitude here. No peace, no quiet and no forgiveness. We have become decomposing trash in a vast wasteland and we’ll stay here 'til we rot.