Women Behind Bars Tuesdays at 10p|9c

Shaniqua Brown


My life wasn’t always peaches and cream when I was home. Really I don’t know where my life took a turn for the worst. I have two beautiful children who mean the world to me, now I have to depend on someone else to bring them up, at times that doesn’t work. Let me give you a little background to my life…me and my sister don’t get along at all. She’s one of the reasons why I am in prison today. My brother, who is dear to my heart, who also was locked up for some time, keeps in contact with me, as well as my cousin Terry. Me and my sister fought a lot at home, we just couldn’t see eye to eye and I don’t think we ever will. I went to school and church, so I was on the right path, but just as everyone else that is in prison, something went wrong. I had two beautiful children by a man that turned my life upside down. He abused me in every way you could think of mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually. When I met the father of my children I was going to school and church. However, slowly but surely I dropped out of school and then church. I turned to the streets looking for attention that I wasn’t receiving from my siblings. I felt at the time that the only place that was giving me the attention that I was craving for was the streets, which led me to a life of crime and imprisonment. Since I have been in prison I have grown from a little naïve girl to an intelligent young lady. I have learned from my past mistakes and now am able to teach others that are going down the same road I went down -- the road of destruction -- how to stay away from that road. My daily life is busy in here. At one point in time I chose to be in things that didn’t make sense in my life, but I took a look at my life and changed it around. I wanted something better for myself; I wanted to improve my life so I changed my daily life here in prison. When I first came I did all the programs that I had to do as far as entering into Bedford Hills, then after some years I pushed myself more. I went to school and pushed my self until I received my GED. I didn’t stop there, I also went to college. I wake up at 5:30 a.m., six days a week and go to work at the mess hall by 6 a.m. just to feed 800 women. I get back to my living space at 10 a.m., take a shower and get a nap until 12 p.m.. Then I’m off to lunch. From 1 p.m. until 3:50 p.m. I am in my vocational. From 4 p.m. to 5 p.m., Monday thru Friday I’m in Network, which is a community meeting on my unit where I live. On Mondays and Wednesdays I go to my college classes from 6:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. So as you can see, in prison you choose to make your life better. I am doing my time and not letting my time do me. Women’s prison is different than men’s prison. Yes, there are fights here, but also there are a lot of women trying to do the right thing. Every day is a struggle, we are told what time to wake up, what time to go to sleep, when to eat, when to shower and what time to go to bed. Prison is a lonely place. If you do what you got to do, your time will go smoothly, but if you choose to go down the wrong path then your time will be rough. Prison isn’t fun and games. You can’t just pick up the phone and call home whenever you want. You can’t just go outside when you want to. You can’t wear what you want. You can’t wear your hair anyway you want. You’re stripped of everything, not just your freedom. When your family comes to visit you they are subjected to some of the same things you are. If a C.O. has a bad day, they might take it out on you or your family. It’s harder to stay on the right path because there is always someone who is trying to take you off it. Prison is tough on women because they have to be away from their children and family. Big pieces of us are missing; we have to put our emotions in check. We can no longer make choices that we would make at home. These choices are made by others. Our dignity is taken away at some point. As for me, the toughest parts of being in prison are being away from my two young children and dealing with my emotions. Even though I go through rough times every now and then, I have had some real positive moments here in prison. I’ve met some good people that have helped me stay on the right path, like Mr. McKenna - he is a very strong man and he is truly a blessing. He is the director of Career Development which prepares you for the outside world. It is a great program and I graduated from there in 2007. My education is going somewhere I never thought it would; it is helping me become a beautiful, positive and productive woman in society. I miss taking care of my mother and spending time with my children, doing what mothers do with their children. I miss my freedom and being able to do things I want to do. I miss the little things, the stars in the sky, the phone ringing and just being able to be free. My biggest regrets are leaving my children in a world all alone and being a follower. Turning to the streets to look for attention which caused me to gang bang and live a life of crime because I felt I wasn’t getting any attention from my siblings. Wanting attention made it easy for me to be manipulated by who didn’t really care about me. I wouldn’t be able to go home from prison for only one day because I couldn’t go home and then leave my children again, that wouldn’t be fair to them. If I could go home I would get a job and support my family. I would stay away form negative people and encourage other teens to stay out of the streets and try to show them that the streets would only lead them to prison, where they don’t want to be. I would explain to them that the streets don’t love anybody. I would also love to open up a youth center where children would be able to come and feel safe and loved. I’ll give them what I was looking for at their age -- guidance.