Women Behind Bars Tuesdays at 10p|9c

Shelby Carano


You know, if I had to explain what my daily life is like in prison, my first thought would be it’s redundant. I believe I could write a book on the subject. Unfortunately, most occurrences are not made for good conversation. This environment can be demoralizing on many levels. It seems like it’s been so long since I’ve made my own decisions that I often wonder if I’ll remember how when the time comes. On a daily basis I’m told when to eat, sleep, stand, sit, how to walk, how to cut my hair and nails, and even when I’m allowed to use the restroom. All of these activities are to be done by following certain procedures, that’s not always the case. An example is not being able to use the restroom until an officer sees fit to allow you to go. More than once I’ve been denied for more than two hours or more to relieve myself. When living in a dry cell (one with no toilet) your only two options are to hold it or have an accident. After a certain amount of time it feels inhumane and the fear of punishment becomes overwhelming. The punishment for an accident in such a situation is inevitable segregation. Over time you become numb to the majority of the conditions and try to focus on what better days will bring. On the flip side of it I have gained positive moments while being in prison. I seem to be much smarter than I ever gave myself credit for. I received my G.E.D. in prison and with the help of my family I’m now in my sixth college course. I’m maintaining good grades and my self confidence is at an all time high. I had never owned a computer in my life so I took the Vocational Business Software Class offered here in prison. I graduated from the class and currently I’m a tutor for the class. I have plans on completing the advanced course as my next project. Thinking of the tougher aspects of being a woman in prison, I must say I miss my two sons more than life itself. I have some contact with my oldest son, but none at all with my youngest son. I never intended to let drugs lead me away from either of them and I hope one day they will forgive me and allow me back into their lives. I want them to know I love them and miss them very much. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them and wonder how they’re doing in life. If I could leave prison for one day I would want to spend it with them so I could tell them all of my innermost feelings and regrets where they’re concerned. Of my many regrets I can name a few that are close to my heart from this experience. I hate that as a result of my drug use, society considers me a murderer for the actions of two drug addicts. Plus, because of the pain and suffering both families have endured, I’ve always wanted to express my remorse to everyone. I know how hard this must have been for them. To go through all this to finally be free of drugs is a revelation for me. Mail and visits from family and friends keep my spirit alive today. I realize now I’m a good person that made a few bad choices along the way.